how to clean the attic

13 05 2009

DSC_0005Step 1:  

Go to have your teeth cleaned.  Never mind that it has been over 4 years and you aren’t having any pain or trouble.  Let them do a full set of x-rays which will suddenly change the course of your life.

Step 2:

Meet with the kind receptionist who is left to tell you that your “no pain-no gain” clause will cost you at least $3000.  Now you have pain.  There is gnashing of teeth, clenching, grinding and other goodies that will eventually cost more if you don’t stop and get a grip immeditately.  Smile, thank her and tell her you’ll get back to her soon to schedule.

Step 3:

Wait two weeks – Eat a pretzel and allow one chunk of salt to find its way to that spot of decay that they said they saw on the x-rays that you instantly believe really IS there.  Ponder the tears in your eyes and the pain radiating from your jaw, through the side of your head, directly to the brain center that triggers the dialing mechanism in your fingers.  Try not to cry while talking again to the nice receptionist and begging her for an appointment NOW.

Step 4:

Go to the pharmacy to pick up the meds she phoned in for you to take while you wait another 4 days for your appointment.  Caution: remember next time when she asks if you want a prescription for additional pain meds the answer is always YES even though you don’t have an insurance plan that will cover the expense.  Some things are just priceless.  Do not question why you have been prescribed steroids and an antibiotic.  Begin to trust the dentist’s wisdom.

Step 5:

Pay careful attention to the literature accompanying the meds which will alert you to the onset of periods of delusional or psychotic behavior.  By day 2 of your 5-day blister pack, you will notice aforementioned changes.

Step 6:

Go to the appointment for the root canal that you never knew you needed because there was no pain.  Ask for the gas and cry when they take it off your face and tell you they couldn’t get to the root and you now need to see a specialist NEXT week.

Step 7:

Open the sunroof and all car windows.  Allow the Tourette’s to flow freely as you drive home.  Take more steroids.  Watch HGTV.  Be aware as the anger becomes part of you.

Remember that the workman are coming this week to install new attic windows.  Do not despair that you ordered them before you knew that you were going to give the dentist money because you had no pain.  Dwell on the fact that the workman will NOT be able to install the windows because there is no floor space left in the attic.

Step 8:

Take yet another day of steroids and begin your attic cleanse.  Your body will not feel what it is doing.  Note:  again it is important to remember that next time the nice lady asks you if you want pain meds to say “YES, OF COURSE!”. Tell your arthritic hip with referred knee pain that it has been magically healed by the steroids and that is why it is able to make countless trips up and down the stairs like some spring chicken.

Step 9:

Stand after 8 hours of frenetic activity and take in the handiwork.  You will need this mental picture for reference in a few hours.

Step 10:

The following morning when there are no more steroids in the blister pack and your body racked by pain is wondering why a trip to the dentist resulted in 10 bags of garbage and more curbside recycling in front of the house than the whole block combined – make a plan for next week’s project for post-REAL root canal DEAL and don’t forget to ask for additional pain meds.   That is how you get the attic clean.