on death and dying

29 06 2009

glass1Within the first few years of our adventures in Spain, my in-laws began an outreach to guys who were HIV positive.  It was the early to mid-1980’s and there wasn’t as much information about the whole subject like there is now.  All I knew was that when my kids went to spend the night at Yaya and Yayo’s – they’d be there with a couple of guys with AIDS.

Those “guys” became family and when the time came for one of them in particular, we took Best Boy and Shop Girl up to the hospital to say good-bye.  The nurses were flabbergasted that we had the kids with us – let alone that we were on the AIDS floor.  They were coming to say farewell to an “uncle”.

Somewhere along in that time frame,  Billy had cancer…so did my sister.  Reeling from all that reality, somewhere, somehow I got my hands on a book that has stuck with me all these years later.  Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s On Death and Dying was an early work that brought attention to how we process grief.  The Kübler-Ross model showed how the five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – are normal responses to dealing with the news of terminal illness and catastrophic loss.

The thing that really stuck with me is that people move through these stages on their own time.  You can’t move someone along – you can’t force them to the next step.  Nor do the steps come in perfect sequence.  One day you can be sent backwards for a matter of days or hours and the next instant be further along in the process.

Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays…all names flashed before us on Headline News these days.  But my heart weighs heavier with Best Boy’s friend and business partner dealing with the news that he may or may not have 10 more years as he lives with an inoperable brain tumor.

We are all here – really.  We have no guarantees about the next breath. We just don’t know where our individual timeline drops off the page of life as we know it.  I’m entering into the time of year already when I first started blogging thinking I had more time for fun with Billy.  I look at pictures now – taken about a year ago – and think back to how I had no idea that we’d run out of space so quickly.

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.”  (Elizabeth Kübler-Ross)

There have been dark days and I’m sure there will be darker yet to come…sometimes I feel like it’s just a tiny flickering candle behind the frame but a little bit of light is still light.

glass2





Leaving the hall light on…

16 06 2009

halllight

I can hardly believe that just 90 days ago – 3 short months – these clever wall sconces illuminated a dark passageway to our hotel room where we vacationed.  I want these all over my house.  They didn’t really give off much light at all – just plenty of ambience – and enough wattage so you could get a feel for where you were going with some confidence.

Yeah, I wish I had lights like this permanently attached to my knees…casting just that right amount of brightness so that I could step ahead without fear.

If I could have even imagined the changes in our lives in three short months – I would have shaken my head in disbelief.  Tomorrow morning, before dawn, one of Best Boy’s partners undergoes a functional MRI followed on Wednesday by a brain biopsy at Mayo Clinic.  He wasn’t thinking about tumors three months ago.  If God would have whispered it into his ear, he still wouldn’t have believed it.

We do NOT know what is around the corner.  We don’t get to choose.  We get to step into the darkness – to forge ahead- on a journey that is especially designed for us alone.  No guarantees that everything turns out the way we’d like it to and many times we are surprised by grace, mercy and goodness.

But in the darkness all of our senses are heightened.  We can “feel” things with our ears – when our eyes can’t see.  We stretch our arms out in front of us as a form of protection but it doesn’t keep us from tripping.  Try as we might, we don’t navigate the inky void all that well.

Even not knowing what is ahead, it is not some cruel joke.  It is a blessed adventure making our faith the hall light that gets left on in the dark.

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stairway to heaven

8 06 2009

stairway1Notice that the garbage can notes the location.  These have been up and down days.  Emotional roller-coaster days for sure.  Long hours, hard work, tedious work – good work days and bad work days.  Life keeps happening around us even tho we are in this creative bubble.

DSC_0022The phone rings we get news that disturbs.  One of Best Boy’s business partners quite by accident – literally – discovers he has a brain tumor (check out his blog).  It reminds us all that we are living on a faultline.  None of us knows from one day to the next what will come our way.  But we know WHO is in charge.

nitewindowThe sun comes up  – the sun goes down each day has its own trouble – no need to worry about tomorrow’s trouble.  Living in the moment and hanging on for dear life.