lullaby of life

11 11 2009

hnd1It has only been a few days since this new adventure began.  Time is magically suspended when suddenly we look up to see the sky outside is dark and and there is no accounting for how we got there.  Conversations with Shop Girl have a new weight.  Barely a week into this experience called “mothering”, it is as if 1000 doors have opened in her brain and connections to her heart are winding their way through her soul.

She is on the fast track of learning about balance…balancing people’s expectations with what she instinctively feels about what is right, timely…and safe.  Feeling as if she were the only counterweight in a giant tug-o-war, she wanted to know how I ever learned to manage a poker face to the world belieing the storm raging inside my head and my heart in situations that were tearing me in two.

Here is where it starts.  Either you learn quickly or you don’t learn at all.  There is so much we cannot control even when we’ve been wired for nurture.  All I could say to her through the tears was that I’ve learned and continue on a daily basis to wallow in the reality that if I love this kid (in my case Shop Girl and Best Boy) THIS much – and God’s love is infinitely beyond that – I’d better get a handle on the trust thing.

A few years ago when Best Boy lay fighting for his life in the hospital I would have given anything to trade places.  But it wasn’t mine to trade.  There was another journey – not mine to take.  As a parent, the best I can do is to keep my hands open enough to lay them steady on their backs when things get rough.