tunnels and lights

24 09 2009

tunneliteMourning the last evening of summer, we sat in quiet conversation on the porch.  As we were engulfed in a cacophony of crickets, her cell phone began chirping out messages inquiring as to her whereabouts.  She’d escaped for a brief time to run some things past me.

Her perception of my last 10 year journey caught me by surprise.  I always forget that there are people out there watching but what got me was how much more intuitive she’d been.  There are so many things that I DON’T say out loud.  I don’t rehearse the details of all the Scheisse we’ve been stepping through.  It is life.  It is our journey.  It is our story.

I don’t really want everyone’s opinion on how they think I should or shouldn’t be reacting.  Having been on the receiving end of some of those rather unsolicited comments, I have no words in response because I know better than to unleash that on innocents.  I keep it all tucked away under lock and key.

But her words of strange affirmation in how I bear up under the stuff of life were empowering.  I certainly am NOT the poster child on how to handle stressful situations. I often choose the wrong reaction – the wrong response.  There are bouts when I can barely get out of the fetal position and just like the aura before a migraine, I feel a spell of that coming on like a train wreck.

I’ll tell you this – I’ve not (yet) gone absolutely bonkers and have had at least a million reasons that would be perfectly justified over the last years to do so.  I have not walked away from the challenges thrown at us as a family.  Just when I’m thinking I can’t hang on for another 24 hours, I remember that I’ve felt like this before and I’m still here to tell the story so…

Today all I need is a light at the end of the tunnel.