You me too too…that makes four of us!

14 08 2008

As if I were a brain injury patient working with a therapist, more and more I have to stop and consciously think about what day it is, what month we’re in and the actual date. I can’t fathom that I took Billy to the doctor just a little over a week ago and I was glad to get him oxygen. We’ve stepped onto some kind of cosmic slip ‘n slide and are tumbling through a wormhole between one dimension and another. Seconds become minutes, minutes become hours – days an eternity.

Others have arrived at my mom’s side – sitting shiva for the slipping. I’ve checked into a hotel – I need to be alone. I need to finish sorting through important documents and make sure I have my hands on things we’ll need very very soon. I need to be able to sleep when I want and be with total strangers not having to talk. Much has been done weeks, months ago – but some things yet to be tied up. Maybe I’m doing my own kind of separating. I have had my days spent along side his weakening body. But there are times that I can’t believe that certain things happened just 48 hours ago.

One of those restless days recently- when it seemed we couldn’t find our footing no matter how badly we tried – it was time for him to pretend to find a few fleeting minutes of rest in bed – he was going through the routine that had become frustratingly familiar. “Here’s my flashlight, there’s my water, and my snot rags…now I’m gonna scooch myself way back there in the corner against the wall and ….” I’d stand there, take a breath, and the cycle would start again…”Ok, that’s the light there I need if I get up, there’s my water bottle…” God’s clever sense of humor to revisit children with the torture they put parents through. When it came time for piano practice, I suddenly had a spring in my butt as soon as I’d sit on that bench. I’d be back getting one more thing, going to the bathroom, any other lame excuse to not get at the chore in front of me.

Well, I finally got him settled just so and as I paused to turn off the light, again going over with him that I’d leave the hall light on, I said, “I love you Daddy”…and the words tumbled out of the brain vault before they could get organized for delivery he said, “You me, too too, that makes four of us.” I cracked up.

Those little sayings and turns of phrase are things that each of us are clinging to as we feel like someone put vaseline on the base of our slip ‘n slide before the water was turned on. Each day we see him making a strange progress that is really loss – or is it if he’s farther through the wormhole and closer to the dimension where we find freedom and total gain?

There are so many things that I’m examining through this new reality and asking questions from a different place…and most are questions. I don’t want to hear your answers..I want to find my own answers. Maybe Billy was right after all and there were four of us there that night.